Tag Archives: autism humor

Denis Leary or Schmenis Schmeary

Dear Schmenis,

Why so angry, chum?

In your new book Why We Suck: A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid  you’ve directed your ire at the autism community. Word is out that you’ve titled a chapter “Autism Schmautism.” In it you state

“There is a huge boom in autism right now because inattentive mothers and competitive dads want an explanation for why their dumb-ass kids can’t compete academically, so they throw money into the happy laps of shrinks . . . to get back diagnoses that help explain away the deficiencies of their junior morons. I don’t give a [bleep] what these crackerjack whack jobs tell you — yer kid is NOT autistic. He’s just stupid. Or lazy. Or both.”

Hmmm. Methinks someone has employed the Michael Savage publicity firm in an attempt to sell some books. Perhaps the book couldn’t sell on its own merits because it’s…well…not funny? Far be it from me to critique your writing – I haven’t read the book. I have enjoyed your humor – it is yours, right? – on numerous occasions & think you’re a clever guy. Who doesn’t love Two if by Sea?

If you must take the Savage route and bash a group of parents, why not choose parents of children with another disability? Don’t you think that picking on parents of children with Aicardi syndrome or Cystic Fibrosis would yield the same amount of chuckles? Oh right. You have issues with originality.

Okay. I see where you’re quoted as saying that you’d like Jenny McCarthy to picket your book tour. I’m more a Melissa McCarthy fan (& Amy Sherman-Palladino)  , myself. Sounds like you think that if Jenny went after you it would help you sell a lot of books. Is that why the autism parents are your target? Because we have a celebrimom spokesperson who is hot ? Or was this a calculated decision based on the sheer number of families affected by autism? The greater the outrage, the greater the number of media outlets – is that the plan?

One could make the argument that you’ve actually done the autism community a great service by bringing the disorder back into the headlines. There’s no such thing as bad publicity, right? Maybe going after the autism community isn’t a publicity stunt, maybe it’s a keen social commentary couched in biting humor. Maybe you’re going to make a very generous donation to the autism charity of your choice –  hopefully not based on a percentage of the sales of this book. Or maybe you’re just….this.

Denis, my parting words to you are this: remember, the Affleck kids will always have better seats than you at the Sox games -even before they’re potty-trained. That must hurt.

-the cheese says WTF Gus? If I boycott your movies I’ve got to find a new holiday flick.

 

Success!

In the words a favorite musician, “There will be droughts & days inundated”…but I’ve got nights like this to keep me going. My son had a great time at Homecoming. He went to dinner (we sat across the room with another set of parents who chose to stay at the restaurant since they were carting a group to the dance), danced (with a group? kids these days…), and came home with a balloon after one hour(like it was a trip to Cookie Cutters).

Let’s see…I spent about 14 hours as his personal stylist to make sure he was appropriately dressed (not to mention the twelve years – and thousands of dollars – carting him to various professionals to help him acquire the skills. I hope I age gracefully, because my extreme makeover money is long gone!) I went through about 12 diet cokes (my drug of choice) trying to keep a caffeine buzz going in case I had to stay up all night consoling him. All the sacrifices were worth it! I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I’m so proud of him!!

-the cheese will try to exfoliate regularly (or is that how you get grated cheese?)

One small step on your toes…one giant leap for my kid!

Today is a day that I NEVER thought would happen. I’ve been buzzing around town, getting my 14 y.o. Aspie son ready for Homecoming. This is a kid who’s motto thus far in life has been “People are a modern inconvenience to me” – which is actually a quote from an un-dxed Aspie childhood neighbor of mine, but my son has heard me say it so often that he’s adopted it as his own.

This year, he’s joined a club (we told him that joining one club was the only way we’d continue to support his video game habitwas mandatory) & actually started talking to the kids in the club – even outside of club meetings. YAHOO! This is the kid whose social worker wrote a goal for him as a fifth grader to make one friend. (Not the best goal in the IEP sense, but you have to admit that her heart was in the right place.)

He’s asked to go to extra-curricular activities on his own (meeting up with some of his friends) – which is huge. In the past there was no reward great enough to entice him into going to a dance or game. We’d offer video games, cash, bonds, plushy costumes resembling his favorite Neopets in his size (which by the way…the places you have to go to find those…ewwww), etc. Nothing worked.

(Magnet available at this site – get two, they’re small!)

Tonight may be a total bust for my son. He may call for us to pick him up after ten minutes of the dance. He may cry while he’s there (I hope not – we’ve done a lot of preparation to make it go as smoothly as possible). But just the fact that he showed interest & tried is a triumph for him in my mind.

I know that we all have those “milestone events” in our heads when we think about our kids’ lives – the first day of Kindergarten, eighth grade graduation, prom, etc. I had honestly rewritten the script to exclude anything resembling a dance. Now I am thinking that even though his experience will be different from the other kids’, at least he’ll have one.  Maybe I’ll still have to settle for a wedding on Second Life, maybe he’ll live in my basement until he’s forty, maybe he’ll always secretly wish he could dress as a Faerie Kacheek…but at least he’s opening up to some of the possibilities that involve more interaction. I’m very proud of him! And who knows…maybe he’ll find another person who thinks faerie kacheeks are very attractive.

-the cheese is happier than the day she accidentally doubled her dose

i’m going where there’s no depression

Awhile ago, somebody told me how lucky I am. “Yep, that’s me. I’m lucky. A veritable lottery winner… OF A REALLY MESSED UP LOTTERY!” Okay, so on that particular day I was clearly not in a space to hear how amazingly good someone else thinks I have it.

No matter how good or how bad you think your situation is, everyone should be allowed pity party days. The dress code for PP days is of course Jammie’s (maternity, if you’ve got ’em – though the “baby” is ten yrs old). On these days you should spoon marshmallow fluff into your face for sustenance and make origami swans from the piles of parental safeguards that you have stashed ’round the house. Laminate random objects – no, not the cat.* Test to see how much Velcro it would take to suspend yourself from the wall. Crank call your insurance company.

On my PP days, I invent policies against doing anything I don’t want to do & cite the fictional policies often. I listen to my favorite album, “No Depression” (irony noted) on a continuous loop. I read those obnoxiously upbeat Christmas letters from distant relatives with over-achieving children. I pick at the grout around the boys’ bathtub in an attempt to find the fulfillment that my youngest seems to find from picking it bare at any possible moment. So far, no transcendental experience for me.

I’d love to hear what other people do – not out of idle curiosity, but as inspiration for possible activities for future pity parties of my own. Please share. I’ve worn out two previous “No Depression” cd’s & I’m out of marshmallow fluff.

BTW, as of today a “No Depression” website exists. I’m not kidding. www.nodepression.com This news, along with the VP debate, makes it seem like Christmas in October for me!

Tonight is not the night for pity parties, depression or even continuing this post, for that matter. Gov. Palin just called Obama’s running mate “Senator O’Biden.” I remind myself while it’s not always good to be me, it’s better not to be her tonight. I’m going back to the debate.

the cheese says hoodies are sometimes reversible, jenny mac!

* don’t call Bob Barker – it’s  a reference that only six alt-country fans would get  an obscure reference to a song “Laminated Cat” by Loose Fur. No actual cats were harmed in the typing of this post nor was any actual lipstick applied to pigs.